New Year's Eve - A New Normal

I'm not sure what I am anticipating happens tonight... at midnight:00:01.  I actually don't even know where I will physically be.  I know I won't be asleep, I have had a heck of a time getting to sleep lately.  I know things will not just magically change when the calendar flips to 2011.  One could hope though.  95% of what 'needs' to change is all in my head.  I totally believe your attitude is what you make it.  In reading books about divorce, I am supposed to be giving myself a little leeway.  Allowing for a little laziness, extra sleep, some mindless screw-ups. 

You have an open wound, your heart is broken!  If any other part of your body was broken you would give it time to heal and expect it to not function perfectly... put a cast around it... protect it...

For the most part I do.  I give myself grace.  I just get impatient, I want things to be back to 'normal' now.  I just want something to feel regular, routine, normal and "happy".  I guess the bottom line is... what is the new 'normal'.  Life as I knew it to be for 17 years is no longer.  I need to figure out what my normal is, me... not us or we.  I need to focus on how exciting that can be... and not on how frightening that is.  What new things await me in 2011, only I can decide that.  Only I can move myself forward in the molasses.  And like any other exercise, the more you do it, the easier it becomes... right?

As I focus on building my new life, I need to get back to my first love, God.  He has truly has gotten me through 2010.  Without him I am nothing.  How do people go through divorce without God?  How do people live life without God?  I need to remember that no matter what happens in 2011, He will be with me, He will love me, He IS enough for me.  I am human, how quickly and easily I forget and take him for granted.

“Why are you looking for love?

Why are you still searching as if I’m not enough?” -God

-Tenth Avenue North

I think I just answered part of my question.  I want my new normal to be God focused. 

The beginning...

This is my first blog... it really is my way to collect my thoughts... a journal.  I am bound and determined to make 2011 a better year.  2010 was full of heartache and pain... a legal separation... moving from my home... being alone for the first time in almost 2 decades. 

2011 will be a time of HEALING and DISCOVERY.  I look forward to the exciting things that await me and finding myself once again.  I will be sharing my journey... including the final chapter of my marriage that will end in April.  How fitting that my divorce will be in Spring... when the things that had once died off become lively, full, fragrant and beautiful once again.  I will be full of life and beautiful once again!!!